Bigfoot on Oprah

I haven't watched a daytime show since I left my treehouse for the Conference of Mythical Creatures,and I miss my Oprah. Oprah, man, she's alright. In fact, sometimes when I watch her I make mental notes about how to run a talk show myself. I think I'd be pretty good, especially with stocking the green room. Do you even comprehend how cool my green room would be? It'd be amazing. I'd have last year's best pizza slices available, along with my signature banana water. And foosball.

I'd also be a pretty good talk show guest. I think I'd be Oprah's best interview. She'd be smart to have me on. The teaser could be all like, "Bigfoot LIVE on Today's Oprah!" and then have a clip of me dabbing away a tear. And then once I poured out my emotions and Oprah gave me a hug, they'd be a segment on Sassy Sasquatch fashions and I'd get a makeover and talk about my hoarding habit. And then the surprise reveal, it'd actually be Oprah's favorite things show, except this year she let me choose all the favorite things, like Donkey Kong Jr. for everyone! I'd also give away life size imperial storm troopers and encylopedia sets, because everyone needs to read a little fiction.

I don't take leeks

Okay, listen up. It's time to bust some popular myths. Contrary to popular belief in Siberia, I don't eat leeks. So if your leek crops are missing, don't blame me. Now, if your pizza crops or your deep fried crops go missing, you might want to send me the bill. In fact, if you really wanna catch a Bigfoot, leave a Barcalounger, DK Jr, and a deep fat frier out there in the wilderness. I'll find it.

Another popular myth is that Bigfoots live in colonies. We don't. In fact, there is no "we". I mean, seriously, if there were colonies of Bigfoots roaming the woods do you think I'd be flirting with tumbleweeds? I'm it, baby. Just me, 100% ape man. Love it or leave it.

And last but not least, Sarah Palin did not shoot me from a helicopter. It was Tina Fey in a Prius and she threw a twinkie at me. (BTW, thanks Tina!)

Jackalope

Jackalope is one seriously cool dude. I mean, just check out his history....it's all carved there right in the gate to his underground estates. Antelope sees rabbit, meets rabbit, falls for rabbit...classic love story. But the first time antelope saw rabbit, he was looking at the moon. And rabbit was up there on it, making mochi. So the story goes. Antelope would gaze up in the sky on full moon nights and just wish, wish that rabbit would come down. One day, when all the mochi was made and rabbit went to recline under a cinnamon tree, she noticed antelope. And that's when she started working on her ladder from the moon. It was love at first sight. I mean, I hate a chick flick just like the next dude, but this true story, it's good stuff. It's enough to make me want to pull last year's handkerchief from my fur and dab my eyes.

It's cool to see JD standing here at the gates of Jackalope Estates. He's got a whole new world opening up to him. And if I train him right, he'll be a great wingman. With him, some Binaca, and my manly exterior (and posterior), there's no way a mermaid can refuse!!

Eye Love Cyclops

Man, I love Cyclops! He's always got his eye on the prize, if his prize is supercool. We met up again on the plane to the conference and got to talking. We really should be a team, you know? Like Burgers and Fries. Milk and Shake. Banana and Cream. And Pie. So I was thinking, what better way to be a team than actually become a team and play beach volleyball? Because with something like beach volleyball, not only do you have a exponential increase in the stud factor, but you also get to go to things like the Olympics. If anyone should go to the Olympics, it should be Cyclops, since he's Greek and all. But just so long as he's one of the only Greek mythologies there. I don't need to see Medusa playing beach volleyball. Eeesh. Come to think of it, I don't need to see Medusa playing anything. Except maybe skeleton. I gotta admit, as much as I don't like Medusa, she'd be good at skeleton. I mean, she could look at the ice, have it turn to stone, and it'd still work out okay.

'Footposeurs

Seriously. You know what would suit me best? American Apparel. That's right: I should be an American Apparel model. Sales would go through the roof!

I say this because everytime I pick up the paper, there's some 'Footposeur posing as me in an ad. The latest one was for Ikea. You could go to their store and get a Bigfoot air freshener for free. Ummmm... okay, first of all, how do they know about my sweet smellin' pit freshners? And second of all, WHAT? I don't even wanna know what their fresheners smell like. Probably patchouli. Or worse, something lemony fresh. And hey, please don't hang these things in your rear-view mirror folks. If it resembles Bigfoot in any way, you'll never be able to take your eyes off it.

Skunk Ape? Really?

You know if there's one thing that really mushes my bananas, it's Florida. Two words, one reason: Skunk Ape. Really? I mean, I have one crazy Spring Break there back in 1974 and it's all they can talk about. But it's not like I'm getting positive press. Nyooooo, for some reason some wise guy decided to call me "Skunk Ape" instead of Bigfoot. Ha ha ha. Because evidently I stink. Did anyone in that great state ever stop to think that maybe it's not me, maybe it's the humidity? And I'm not going to have that fresh smelling feeling after wrestling some stupid alligator that just took my last corndog. Just cause I don't smell like oranges or sandy beaches doesn't mean I'm funky skunky.

But I gotta say, 1974, yeah, that was one crazy week. Nair was all the rage, and man, I don't even remember who dared me... I think it was Cyclops. Anyway, I'm just glad no one saw that...I'm already confused with George Clooney enough as it is.

Eating Microscopic Amoebas and Eau de Bigfoot

So I hear there's these giant single cell protozoas that roll around on the ocean floor and look like grapes. Do you know how cool this is? Do you know how long I've been trying to cook up microscopic foods? Seriously, sometimes I'll just fill a fry pan full of oil, throw in a few amoebas, and fry away. What usually happens is that the amoebas try to escape so I need to add cheese, chocolate, and peanut butter to try to slow them down. But now it looks like I can fry up some healthy grape-sized food! They won't be able to escape because I can actually see them! But I guess I'd need an unwater submersible to go underwater grape-pickin'....so until then I'll have to keep trapping amoebas in deep fried chocolate.

I hear a lot of talk lately about tofu, which is also delicious when tucked inside a banana, dipped in chocolate, then deep fried. But I'm thinking what would be really good tofu...and what would sell for top dollar at the mythical creature conference...is Big-flavored tofu. I could tuck in under my arm for a day, and then woo-la, instant flavor!

Which brings me to another subject...my delightful aroma. I work hard to acheive just the right smell. I never bathe, and I'm always conscious of the different food groups that I stick into my fur and how they complement each other. I know that for a couple months when I carried around that gorgonzola cheese and cabbage...that got pretty ripe after a while. But after I aired out for a few hours, it really seemed to create my signature bouquet, you know? Sometimes your mistakes are your biggest strengths... because I think the eau de cabbage de gorgonzola, it really formed the Eau de Bigfoot of today. If you want to break down my smell, in the proper perfume lingo, I'd say the funk of gorgonzola and cabbage is my base note. And my middle notes seem more to be the essence of matted fur and dirt, and then the top notes are ususally something like pizza. It's really pretty good stuff.

Creatures in the Water

I've got my blogging sweatpants on and I'm ready to blog, baby, blog! Normally I'm kinda like any other animal in the woods and I don't wear clothes...but for some reason nothing says kickin' back like a pair of sweatpants and a bowl of blogging bananas. Fried bananas. Covered in chocolate.

There's been a lot of talk lately about humans "discovering" mythical creatures in the water. Ever since they found those crazy tube worms at the bottom of the ocean, humans seemed to have kicked it up a notch. And with the discovery of the fish who I like to call "crazy-see-through-green-eyeballs-head-fish", people are really starting to turn their own eyeballs to the ocean and what lurks beneath.

Personally, I'm not really that fond of anything that has to do with water, since water's is directly related to bathing. I give Nessy a pass, since she's a good lass. But she's freshwater. Not like those nut-job salty creatures who like to hang in their own click, and hey, that's alright with me. I personally have no desire to ever hang out with Kraken. I've heard stories about him, and he sounds like an absolute loop. Did you ever see 20,000 Leagues under the Sea? He's more like 20,000 Leagues meets a cuckoo's nest. And the problem is he's GIGANTIC. If he was itty bitty, who would care, right? But you don't want to mess with a crazy, gigantic squid. Thankfully he's never showed up to a conference...not enough water out at Jackalope Estates.

By the way, when I say "nut job salty creatures", I'm obviously not talking about mermaids. Or sirens. Who can feel free to give me a call (or sing me a song) anytime.

3 Toes? Really?

Okay, what idiot human out there thinks that a legitimate Bigfoot track has only 3 toes? What am I, a sloth or something? I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most athletic guy in the woods, but c'mon. Just because I have a little more hair than the average Joe doesn't mean I have a little less toe.

Did you know the way to a Bigfoot's heart is through his toes? Although, to be fair, also his stomach. And his cerebral cortex. I mean, you plunk Donkey Kong Jr in front of me, and you had me at Mario.

E.T. Ain't Me

We all google ourselves, right? I'm not alone here in this. I know that. Anyway, I was just messin' around googling myself and I read some article about how Bigfoot is really an extraterrestrial. Seriously? Have you seen extraterrestrials? Evidently not, because then you'd know what you're talking about. No, you'd rather lay around in your blogging sweatpants and spread rumours than do the research.

By the way, we all have blogging sweatpants, right? Mine are gray. With an extra large waistband because I also have a bowl of blogging bon-bons.

Anyway, I was at Area 52 a few years back, and I took some great photos of aliens. The interesting thing is, and I'm sure you'll all find this pretty shocking...is that aliens look a lot like snowmen. That's right. Think about that the next time your kids are out there playing in the snow and some cosmic force leads them into building a snowman. Yeah, they're all "Frosty this!" and "Holly Jolly" that, but they're really not. Each snowflake is a nanorobot sent from the mothership to record human activity for the eventual overthrow of mankind. And you think that snow actually melts? Nope. It just returns to the mothership, or goes down to Area 52 for a mix and mingle.

Just remember, despite what the blogosphere says, Bigfoot is not an E.T. The only portal I've ever used has a roll of toilet paper next to it.

Bigfoot Excitement

I love my little treehouse home in the Great PNW, but there's nuthin' I love more than getting ready for the Conference of Mythical Creatures. Every hundred years, man! Do you know how much excitement builds up over a hundred years? A lot. So when I got that email from Jackalope, my bones jumped out of my armchair so fast I thought my fur would be left behind!

You know the first thing I think of when I think of the conference? Mermaids. In fact, they're probably the first 3 or 4 thoughts that I have. But after that, I think of all the cool creatures that I can mingle and schmooze with. And I'm hoping to try out the new karoke machine this year too, cuz babies I can sing like I'm some big hairy songbird. You know it!

My First Big Big Blog Post

It's about time I started a blog! The world needs a little more Bigfoot, not a little less. But what the world does need a little less of is yeti stories. I just knew that the Siberian Yeti thing was a hoax...but just hearing the word "yeti" makes me wanna yurl. I'm not a big fan of the Abominable Snowman. But that's a topic for another day.

All I can do, you know, while I'm sitting and typing (besides scratching my fur), is think about how many beautiful ladies are going to swoon over my every word.

Speaking of mermaids, I could not believe the thing about that transparent headed fish with the eyeballs. Dudes, did you check that out? If that's not mythical, I don't know what is.