Bigfoot on Oprah

I haven't watched a daytime show since I left my treehouse for the Conference of Mythical Creatures,and I miss my Oprah. Oprah, man, she's alright. In fact, sometimes when I watch her I make mental notes about how to run a talk show myself. I think I'd be pretty good, especially with stocking the green room. Do you even comprehend how cool my green room would be? It'd be amazing. I'd have last year's best pizza slices available, along with my signature banana water. And foosball.

I'd also be a pretty good talk show guest. I think I'd be Oprah's best interview. She'd be smart to have me on. The teaser could be all like, "Bigfoot LIVE on Today's Oprah!" and then have a clip of me dabbing away a tear. And then once I poured out my emotions and Oprah gave me a hug, they'd be a segment on Sassy Sasquatch fashions and I'd get a makeover and talk about my hoarding habit. And then the surprise reveal, it'd actually be Oprah's favorite things show, except this year she let me choose all the favorite things, like Donkey Kong Jr. for everyone! I'd also give away life size imperial storm troopers and encylopedia sets, because everyone needs to read a little fiction.

I don't take leeks

Okay, listen up. It's time to bust some popular myths. Contrary to popular belief in Siberia, I don't eat leeks. So if your leek crops are missing, don't blame me. Now, if your pizza crops or your deep fried crops go missing, you might want to send me the bill. In fact, if you really wanna catch a Bigfoot, leave a Barcalounger, DK Jr, and a deep fat frier out there in the wilderness. I'll find it.

Another popular myth is that Bigfoots live in colonies. We don't. In fact, there is no "we". I mean, seriously, if there were colonies of Bigfoots roaming the woods do you think I'd be flirting with tumbleweeds? I'm it, baby. Just me, 100% ape man. Love it or leave it.

And last but not least, Sarah Palin did not shoot me from a helicopter. It was Tina Fey in a Prius and she threw a twinkie at me. (BTW, thanks Tina!)

Jackalope

Jackalope is one seriously cool dude. I mean, just check out his history....it's all carved there right in the gate to his underground estates. Antelope sees rabbit, meets rabbit, falls for rabbit...classic love story. But the first time antelope saw rabbit, he was looking at the moon. And rabbit was up there on it, making mochi. So the story goes. Antelope would gaze up in the sky on full moon nights and just wish, wish that rabbit would come down. One day, when all the mochi was made and rabbit went to recline under a cinnamon tree, she noticed antelope. And that's when she started working on her ladder from the moon. It was love at first sight. I mean, I hate a chick flick just like the next dude, but this true story, it's good stuff. It's enough to make me want to pull last year's handkerchief from my fur and dab my eyes.

It's cool to see JD standing here at the gates of Jackalope Estates. He's got a whole new world opening up to him. And if I train him right, he'll be a great wingman. With him, some Binaca, and my manly exterior (and posterior), there's no way a mermaid can refuse!!