Bigfoot on Oprah

I haven't watched a daytime show since I left my treehouse for the Conference of Mythical Creatures,and I miss my Oprah. Oprah, man, she's alright. In fact, sometimes when I watch her I make mental notes about how to run a talk show myself. I think I'd be pretty good, especially with stocking the green room. Do you even comprehend how cool my green room would be? It'd be amazing. I'd have last year's best pizza slices available, along with my signature banana water. And foosball.

I'd also be a pretty good talk show guest. I think I'd be Oprah's best interview. She'd be smart to have me on. The teaser could be all like, "Bigfoot LIVE on Today's Oprah!" and then have a clip of me dabbing away a tear. And then once I poured out my emotions and Oprah gave me a hug, they'd be a segment on Sassy Sasquatch fashions and I'd get a makeover and talk about my hoarding habit. And then the surprise reveal, it'd actually be Oprah's favorite things show, except this year she let me choose all the favorite things, like Donkey Kong Jr. for everyone! I'd also give away life size imperial storm troopers and encylopedia sets, because everyone needs to read a little fiction.

I don't take leeks

Okay, listen up. It's time to bust some popular myths. Contrary to popular belief in Siberia, I don't eat leeks. So if your leek crops are missing, don't blame me. Now, if your pizza crops or your deep fried crops go missing, you might want to send me the bill. In fact, if you really wanna catch a Bigfoot, leave a Barcalounger, DK Jr, and a deep fat frier out there in the wilderness. I'll find it.

Another popular myth is that Bigfoots live in colonies. We don't. In fact, there is no "we". I mean, seriously, if there were colonies of Bigfoots roaming the woods do you think I'd be flirting with tumbleweeds? I'm it, baby. Just me, 100% ape man. Love it or leave it.

And last but not least, Sarah Palin did not shoot me from a helicopter. It was Tina Fey in a Prius and she threw a twinkie at me. (BTW, thanks Tina!)

Jackalope

Jackalope is one seriously cool dude. I mean, just check out his history....it's all carved there right in the gate to his underground estates. Antelope sees rabbit, meets rabbit, falls for rabbit...classic love story. But the first time antelope saw rabbit, he was looking at the moon. And rabbit was up there on it, making mochi. So the story goes. Antelope would gaze up in the sky on full moon nights and just wish, wish that rabbit would come down. One day, when all the mochi was made and rabbit went to recline under a cinnamon tree, she noticed antelope. And that's when she started working on her ladder from the moon. It was love at first sight. I mean, I hate a chick flick just like the next dude, but this true story, it's good stuff. It's enough to make me want to pull last year's handkerchief from my fur and dab my eyes.

It's cool to see JD standing here at the gates of Jackalope Estates. He's got a whole new world opening up to him. And if I train him right, he'll be a great wingman. With him, some Binaca, and my manly exterior (and posterior), there's no way a mermaid can refuse!!

Eye Love Cyclops

Man, I love Cyclops! He's always got his eye on the prize, if his prize is supercool. We met up again on the plane to the conference and got to talking. We really should be a team, you know? Like Burgers and Fries. Milk and Shake. Banana and Cream. And Pie. So I was thinking, what better way to be a team than actually become a team and play beach volleyball? Because with something like beach volleyball, not only do you have a exponential increase in the stud factor, but you also get to go to things like the Olympics. If anyone should go to the Olympics, it should be Cyclops, since he's Greek and all. But just so long as he's one of the only Greek mythologies there. I don't need to see Medusa playing beach volleyball. Eeesh. Come to think of it, I don't need to see Medusa playing anything. Except maybe skeleton. I gotta admit, as much as I don't like Medusa, she'd be good at skeleton. I mean, she could look at the ice, have it turn to stone, and it'd still work out okay.

'Footposeurs

Seriously. You know what would suit me best? American Apparel. That's right: I should be an American Apparel model. Sales would go through the roof!

I say this because everytime I pick up the paper, there's some 'Footposeur posing as me in an ad. The latest one was for Ikea. You could go to their store and get a Bigfoot air freshener for free. Ummmm... okay, first of all, how do they know about my sweet smellin' pit freshners? And second of all, WHAT? I don't even wanna know what their fresheners smell like. Probably patchouli. Or worse, something lemony fresh. And hey, please don't hang these things in your rear-view mirror folks. If it resembles Bigfoot in any way, you'll never be able to take your eyes off it.

Skunk Ape? Really?

You know if there's one thing that really mushes my bananas, it's Florida. Two words, one reason: Skunk Ape. Really? I mean, I have one crazy Spring Break there back in 1974 and it's all they can talk about. But it's not like I'm getting positive press. Nyooooo, for some reason some wise guy decided to call me "Skunk Ape" instead of Bigfoot. Ha ha ha. Because evidently I stink. Did anyone in that great state ever stop to think that maybe it's not me, maybe it's the humidity? And I'm not going to have that fresh smelling feeling after wrestling some stupid alligator that just took my last corndog. Just cause I don't smell like oranges or sandy beaches doesn't mean I'm funky skunky.

But I gotta say, 1974, yeah, that was one crazy week. Nair was all the rage, and man, I don't even remember who dared me... I think it was Cyclops. Anyway, I'm just glad no one saw that...I'm already confused with George Clooney enough as it is.

Eating Microscopic Amoebas and Eau de Bigfoot

So I hear there's these giant single cell protozoas that roll around on the ocean floor and look like grapes. Do you know how cool this is? Do you know how long I've been trying to cook up microscopic foods? Seriously, sometimes I'll just fill a fry pan full of oil, throw in a few amoebas, and fry away. What usually happens is that the amoebas try to escape so I need to add cheese, chocolate, and peanut butter to try to slow them down. But now it looks like I can fry up some healthy grape-sized food! They won't be able to escape because I can actually see them! But I guess I'd need an unwater submersible to go underwater grape-pickin'....so until then I'll have to keep trapping amoebas in deep fried chocolate.

I hear a lot of talk lately about tofu, which is also delicious when tucked inside a banana, dipped in chocolate, then deep fried. But I'm thinking what would be really good tofu...and what would sell for top dollar at the mythical creature conference...is Big-flavored tofu. I could tuck in under my arm for a day, and then woo-la, instant flavor!

Which brings me to another subject...my delightful aroma. I work hard to acheive just the right smell. I never bathe, and I'm always conscious of the different food groups that I stick into my fur and how they complement each other. I know that for a couple months when I carried around that gorgonzola cheese and cabbage...that got pretty ripe after a while. But after I aired out for a few hours, it really seemed to create my signature bouquet, you know? Sometimes your mistakes are your biggest strengths... because I think the eau de cabbage de gorgonzola, it really formed the Eau de Bigfoot of today. If you want to break down my smell, in the proper perfume lingo, I'd say the funk of gorgonzola and cabbage is my base note. And my middle notes seem more to be the essence of matted fur and dirt, and then the top notes are ususally something like pizza. It's really pretty good stuff.